So here's the thing about self esteem.....I don't have any. On a purely intellectual level, I understand that I have much to be grateful for and I have some good qualities, but the plain simple fact is that I've wrapped myself in 100 extra pounds. That can't be a good thing. Eventually we all have to ask ourselves as the weight comes off.....why in the bloody hell did I do this to myself?
The weight has been coming off slowly at about a pound or so a week. This week I've lost 4 pounds but something is happening to me as the tonnage drops. I've become unforgiving and downright bitchy at ME!!!. I would never tolerate from another person what I heap generously upon myself. Somehow, being wrapped in 100 extra pounds allowed me to accept all my flaws and forgive all my mistakes. With a shrug of my chubby shoulders...all was OK......afterall....I'm not perfect or anything. I avoided scales and mirrors and doctors offices where they would torture me by demanding that I face my demons. "Lets hop on the scale" "Lets draw some blood" "We need to schedule a physical" Clearly I didn't think enough of myself to take care of me........but I was always kind to me. How fucked up is that?
Now I've lost 19 pounds......or 76 sticks of butter (that just feels so much better!) Not complaining!! But I find it interesting that life has become more difficult as I've finally stepped up to the plate and taken care of my health. I gave up cigarettes! I had my blood work! I had a mammogram! I had a fucking physical! I had a fucking PAP smear!! I've started exercising!!...........and I've lost the ability to be nice to me. What the fuck is happening here??
Maybe all of the things that weight dilutes and muffles become clear again as it drops away. suddenly a layer of fat is gone and underneath is the reason I put it on to begin with....it's still there....waiting. "I'm not good enough" That bastard "I'm not good enough" is peeking out from underneath my 19 pounds!!
Somehow hating myself for not being good or perfect enough hardly seems like a productive way to deal with my little demon friend. He and I will have to learn to co exist. Let me just say that I really get why I heaped the equivalent of your average 12 year old child on to my medium frame. It's one hell of a lot easier than dealin' with that little piece of Hell.
So here's the thing about self-esteem.......I really need to learn to have some.
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Nancy it's not that you're hating yourself or anything like that. Food, and maybe the weight, was a friend. You're losing a freind. Someone that was always there for you, kind of like how cigarettes were for me. Always there even when no one else was.
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