The wedding day.....Liberty resort suffers a sudden loss of water pressure.

So the good news here is that I did not fall down, break glass, belch, fart, faint, or catch anything or anyone on fire. It was a good day. If you were to take away the fact that it was Hilary's wedding day, the above criteria would, in and of itself, constitute a good day. The fact that it was wedding day only means that my beloved and terribly overworked guardian angels were out in full force. "All angel leave is hereby cancelled due to tremendous potential for disaster"

Let me just say that Hilary was beautiful beyond words. She was like Cinderella on speed. Her eyes twinkled and danced, her smile beamed, and her laugh rang through the venue like fine music. There were tears, and looks of love between her and her freshly pronounced husband that brought the house down. The flowers were fabulous, the food was fabulous, the cake was fabulous and even as I type this, Hilary and Justin are honeymooning in fabulous Jamaica.

Let me take you back to wedding day.....10:00 a.m.: Hilary and her bridesmaids assemble in the Nova room. This is where she will spend her day seeing to last minute details and having hair and makeup done by a team of professionals. Bags and suitcases are strewn around the room. All the dresses hang from the curtain rods. Hilary is stressing. By the time I arrive at noon and ask her if she'd spoken to Justin yet today (OK....so am I the only person on the planet that didn't know talking to the groom was taboo too!?!) she looks at me as if I had just pulled a fresh pile of doggie poo from my pocket and flung it at her gown. "Worst question ever!!!" she yells at me. Alrighty then........clearly I need to make a most concerted effort to keep my stinkin' mouth shut. She is an explosion waiting to happen.

Her bridesmaids are seeing to such details as Justin's hair requirements. "go to the room and make sure Justin isn't messing with his hair......don't let him put any crap in it!" Last minute wrinkles are being steamed from her gown. So far so good.......we are right on schedule for a 4:30 p.m. ceremony. The hair and makeup people begin on me. No need for me to say a word.....Hilary has already gone over my look in detail......they know what to do. I sit down as bullet proof makeup is airbrushed on and eyeshadow cemented in place (I never wear shadow) and lip color applied to withstand the beginning stages of post mortem decomposition (I never wear lipstick!) My hair is straightened and styled and sprayed to the point that I can hear the "crackle" when I turn my head. I will have to admit though.......my look lasted all night long without so much as a smuge........and on past two scrubbings in the shower.......and on past 3 lather rinse and repeat cycles........and in one or two little spots, on to the next afternoon.

As the afternoon wore on, Hilary, who had calmed down quite a bit began to get nervous. The bridesmaids were finished hair and makeup and beginning to change in to their dresses and heels. Hilary was finished hair and beginning makeup as the final do of the day for the team. She suggests that now might be a good time for me to begin getting into my spanx....which I had never worn before. Hilary knows me well enough to know that this will not be easy for me.

I retire to the ladies with Spanx in hand and head for the largest stall.......I'm gonna need some room here. I begin to wiggle in to my industrial pantyhose when I realize that my gyrations are repeatedly setting off the automatic toilet flusher. KA WHOOOOSH........KA WHOOSH.........KA WHOOOOSH. I must have set that toilet off 15 or 20 times, so much so that I had visions of a momentary and unexplained drop in the water table in the Fairfield area. I emerged sweating and panting, but with hair and makeup perfectly in place and my flab safely lycra-squeezed. I went to get a paper towel to gently dab away the sweat from my forehead but was for some cosmically unknown reason specific to my ridiculous life, completely unable to set off the automatic towel dispenser. I settled for toilet paper and headed back to ground zero.

We are supposed to have Hilary in her dress by 3:30 for pre ceremony pictures but she is wracked with a case of the "nervous tinkles" and runs repeatedly to the bathroom. She sends her bridesmaids after scope because she doesn't want her breath to smell of sour cream and onion potato chips. She refuses to get into her dress until this is accomplished. It's going on 4:00...the photographer is here. The bridesmaids return with a one time use toothbrush which Hilary complains is "gross" but better than sour cream and onion breath. The rush is on. I'm lacing her gown as quickly as I can. "Make sure they aren't twisted" "Fluff the tulle" "Are there skin gaps?..make sure there are no skin gaps!"

Despite the fact that we have been in preparation for over 6 hours........we are late for the 4:30 ceremony. Wedding coordinators are madly flipping papers on clip boards and the photographer is helping with corsages. We finally make it to the starting point of our walk down the aisle. Hilary waves her hands and breathes deeply..."talk to me mom!!....say anything or I'm gonna start crying" I think a moment and said "Scott stopped to pee the dogs and Nickolai bit him on the hand" "That's good!!!....that's good!!!......tell me again!!!"

I deliver her to her groom who is himself in tears when he sees his beautiful bride. There are no accidents or breakages. The frenzied avalanche of emotions and drama drifts away in to nothingness. All that matters is this one moment. Two people overcome by their love for one another as they take their vows.

There will be time later to explain the sudden loss of water pressure.

Where's Willie?

I promised you the story of Willow's foray into the twilight zone so here we go: The fact of the matter is that Willie slipped through a temporal anomaly that ushered her in to a parallel universe completely populated by giant talking bunnies who worship dim-witted white dogs as Gods and...............hold on a minute, let me turn off the television.

What was I saying?

Iddy was in full "Peanut" mode that morning. She is completely intimidated by a 6 pound Chorkie that could easily, albeit not intentionally, get flushed down my toilet if it were flushing properly. I will never understand the methods Peanut uses to keep Iddy so utterly subjugated. She was hanging back during our walk, so as not to be too close to Peanut who tends to scold her for not staying with the pack.

One glance back over my shoulder and she was there, the next glance moments later, she was gone. I didn't panic immediately because this is quite typical of our Willie... aka Wills.... aka Willow.... aka Iddy ......aka widdie-woo......(don't judge!...what do you call your dog?!...be honest now!) It was not until I got back to my car and still saw no sign of her that I began to worry.....but just a little. Williie always pops up out of a ditch or wherever, once she hears the car engine. Two laps around the ponds and no Iddy. It's now that I panic.

I make what seems to be a gazillion trips around the ponds and search the ditch where I had last seen her no less than 7 times. I'm crying, worried, angry, and very aware that my plans for the day are fucked beyond repair. I call for help. Hilary joins the search. Scott and Matt begin searching the woods near the ditch. Hilary calls Animal Control. I call Trish at the clinic. Let me just say here and now that if your dog is ever missing, Trish is the one to call. She has some sort of mega potent doggie finding mojo workin'

It's at this point that the tears and panic subside and I'm beginning to think more clearly. "She had to have gone in the woods" "Where would these woods empty out if you were a dim witted white dog with delusions of God hood in bunny land? (ok...so maybe not completely clearly) I begin driving up and down the road off the property. Hilary is talking to neighboring farmers. I get on the phone to Trish. Here's where the mojo comes in.

Trish is at the reception desk with a client who happens to live in the vicinity of the ponds when my call arrives. Client leaves and Trish hurriedly sends one of the other staffers out to her car with my cell phone number.....just in case she sees Will. client drives home but decides to take a different route that day....shes in no hurry to begin the days chores. Client sees a white dog run between some houses and out to the road. She stops her car and Willie rushes to her and jumps in. Client reaches in her pocket for the scrap of paper with my number on it and calls.

I begin blubbering so loudly that Hilary takes the phone to arrange a meeting place. I get my happy, slightly freakish, bundle of joyfulness dog back and am eternally grateful that the heavens seemed to have orchestrated such an elegant rescue. she may not be perfect....she has issues...medical and otherwise....she eats cat tootsies out of the litter box and then barfs them up on my carpet......she licks my shoes and my bed pillows...and was no help at all when the toilet overflowed......but shes my Willie....and I love her.

The Bridal Shower

My task was very clearly defined. I was to see to it that Hilary did not arrive at Jennifer's house before 3:00 p.m. I was to bring chips and dip. I was to call when we were a mile or so out and ask if Jennifer needed me to bring anything. This was the signal for all the guests to assemble for the approaching "surprise" My family informed me that I was not to break, sprain, or otherwise damage my person in any way, shape, or form. Knowing my lack of planning abilities and general obliviousness, they felt it best that I not be burdened with anything more.

Now I'd like you to travel back in time with me, approximately 36 hours prior to "surprise!!"

I woke up Friday morning with a clear plan in mind. I'd hope work wasn't too crazy, (a lot to ask on the Friday before a holiday weekend), stop for chips and dip on the way home, and call Vicki to arrange a shopping trip for a gift for the shower....and maybe a nice lunch before meeting Hilary to head off to her bridal shower destiny. Now I'd like you to pause and consider the fact that this is me we're talking about here.

An innocent flush of the toilet Friday morning caused a cascading overflow. I stood dumbfounded and dis believing as the toidy water continued to flow. Once my feet could move, I began gathering towels to throw in to lake Michigan which was rapidly forming on my bathroom floor. A sprint down to the dryer for more towels put me in a prime position to observe the toidy water running down my dining Room light fixture and on to the table. I ran faster to the basement and was doing pretty damned good for the "graceful as an epileptic three-legged Rhinoceros" kinda girl that I am, until I fell on the stairs on the way up. Towels flew, water flowed, and my pinky finger crumpled under the weight of my ill-advised trip.

I sopped, cursed, and 409'd my way through both rooms, threw the nasty towels in the bath tub, and ran out to work with my swollen and purple pinky finger throbbing. Work was no better. A string of holiday emergencies kept us all running. As you all know.....if Rover is gonna have a crisis, it will be late at night or on a holiday weekend. I worked until late in the evening. No chips and dip. I just came home and gathered the toidy towels and mopped and pine-sol'd. I'll stop for chips and dip in the morning on the way to Vicki's.

The next morning, the day of the shower, started innocently enough with a romp at the ponds with the dogs. I got a nice early start. I had a lot to do before the big event. willow is lagging behind a little as usual........then........where's Willie!? I searched and called for an hour before I panicked and called for help. Hilary and several others joined what was turning out to be a full on hard target search for a dim-witted but lovable white dog who had chased a bunny in to the woods and got lost.

The eventual finding of Willie 5 hours later involved a convoluted series of events that simply deserves a blog of it's own. That story will come presently. The point being that I lost 5 hours. No chips,no dip, no gift, broken finger, two exhausted dogs, and a sincere hope that the people who love me can manage to love me anyway.

Hilary had a lovely shower and understood completely her "most likely to lose her car in the parking lot, knocker down of store mannequins, nine workable fingers" mother. She loves me anyway and would rather have my help with the seating chart project and my company during the endless pre-wedding appointments than a crock pot..........thankfully.

I can be nothing other than what I am....even if that happens to be a three legged epileptic rhinoceros with two bad dogs and a faulty toilet.