the World's Worst Christian

Yes indeed....that would be me. I'm more than just a little ashamed to admit that our Heavenly Father usually requires a baseball bat to get his point across to yours truly. I tend to cruise along, feeling pretty goddamned good (oops....probably shouldn't have said that) feeling like my center of gravity is resting securely at the base of my freakin core chakra whatever, when I am suddenly knocked askew.

So give me a moment to describe the askew sensation as I know it. First and foremost, I fall down a lot. If there is even a teeny tiny puddle of wetness on the floor, down I go. "have I got your attention yet?" Oh how I wish I could tell you that the answer is yes, but I'm far too thick to be awakened by an embarrassing landing on my ass. In all honesty, it happens too often to get my full attention.

I get up the next morning feeling like my center of gravity is resting squarely in my right earlobe. I swear I see a head tilt! This does not bode well. "Have I got your attention yet?" Again.....it would be nice if I could answer in the affirmative.......but I pop a lorazepam and hope for the best. Let me just re-affirm the fact that medicating under these circumstances NEVER works.

I make a series of ridiculously stupid mistakes at work. I mean the kind that make me wonder if I've suddenly developed acute onset synaptic acetylcholine receptor imbecility or something. "Have I got your attention yet?" OK....so now you do indeed have my attention. I take a deep breath....and step back......and take a moment to speak with my Heavenly Father. I collect up my cell phone and glass and water to move my home base to the bedroom. As I'm walking, I ask the Lord to grant me the serenity to........OH SHIT!!!.....did I just step in a freakin' hairball!?.....OH GROSS!!!!.....it squished between my toes!!

I can't speak for yours, but my Heavenly Father has a sense of humor.

I am a work in progress.......kinda like that painting that you gesso over because you don't want anyone to ever see how badly you fucked it up. Fortunately there is a higher power throwing slimy hairballs of truth into my path.

Amen