The wedding day.....Liberty resort suffers a sudden loss of water pressure.

So the good news here is that I did not fall down, break glass, belch, fart, faint, or catch anything or anyone on fire. It was a good day. If you were to take away the fact that it was Hilary's wedding day, the above criteria would, in and of itself, constitute a good day. The fact that it was wedding day only means that my beloved and terribly overworked guardian angels were out in full force. "All angel leave is hereby cancelled due to tremendous potential for disaster"

Let me just say that Hilary was beautiful beyond words. She was like Cinderella on speed. Her eyes twinkled and danced, her smile beamed, and her laugh rang through the venue like fine music. There were tears, and looks of love between her and her freshly pronounced husband that brought the house down. The flowers were fabulous, the food was fabulous, the cake was fabulous and even as I type this, Hilary and Justin are honeymooning in fabulous Jamaica.

Let me take you back to wedding day.....10:00 a.m.: Hilary and her bridesmaids assemble in the Nova room. This is where she will spend her day seeing to last minute details and having hair and makeup done by a team of professionals. Bags and suitcases are strewn around the room. All the dresses hang from the curtain rods. Hilary is stressing. By the time I arrive at noon and ask her if she'd spoken to Justin yet today (OK....so am I the only person on the planet that didn't know talking to the groom was taboo too!?!) she looks at me as if I had just pulled a fresh pile of doggie poo from my pocket and flung it at her gown. "Worst question ever!!!" she yells at me. Alrighty then........clearly I need to make a most concerted effort to keep my stinkin' mouth shut. She is an explosion waiting to happen.

Her bridesmaids are seeing to such details as Justin's hair requirements. "go to the room and make sure Justin isn't messing with his hair......don't let him put any crap in it!" Last minute wrinkles are being steamed from her gown. So far so good.......we are right on schedule for a 4:30 p.m. ceremony. The hair and makeup people begin on me. No need for me to say a word.....Hilary has already gone over my look in detail......they know what to do. I sit down as bullet proof makeup is airbrushed on and eyeshadow cemented in place (I never wear shadow) and lip color applied to withstand the beginning stages of post mortem decomposition (I never wear lipstick!) My hair is straightened and styled and sprayed to the point that I can hear the "crackle" when I turn my head. I will have to admit though.......my look lasted all night long without so much as a smuge........and on past two scrubbings in the shower.......and on past 3 lather rinse and repeat cycles........and in one or two little spots, on to the next afternoon.

As the afternoon wore on, Hilary, who had calmed down quite a bit began to get nervous. The bridesmaids were finished hair and makeup and beginning to change in to their dresses and heels. Hilary was finished hair and beginning makeup as the final do of the day for the team. She suggests that now might be a good time for me to begin getting into my spanx....which I had never worn before. Hilary knows me well enough to know that this will not be easy for me.

I retire to the ladies with Spanx in hand and head for the largest stall.......I'm gonna need some room here. I begin to wiggle in to my industrial pantyhose when I realize that my gyrations are repeatedly setting off the automatic toilet flusher. KA WHOOOOSH........KA WHOOSH.........KA WHOOOOSH. I must have set that toilet off 15 or 20 times, so much so that I had visions of a momentary and unexplained drop in the water table in the Fairfield area. I emerged sweating and panting, but with hair and makeup perfectly in place and my flab safely lycra-squeezed. I went to get a paper towel to gently dab away the sweat from my forehead but was for some cosmically unknown reason specific to my ridiculous life, completely unable to set off the automatic towel dispenser. I settled for toilet paper and headed back to ground zero.

We are supposed to have Hilary in her dress by 3:30 for pre ceremony pictures but she is wracked with a case of the "nervous tinkles" and runs repeatedly to the bathroom. She sends her bridesmaids after scope because she doesn't want her breath to smell of sour cream and onion potato chips. She refuses to get into her dress until this is accomplished. It's going on 4:00...the photographer is here. The bridesmaids return with a one time use toothbrush which Hilary complains is "gross" but better than sour cream and onion breath. The rush is on. I'm lacing her gown as quickly as I can. "Make sure they aren't twisted" "Fluff the tulle" "Are there skin gaps?..make sure there are no skin gaps!"

Despite the fact that we have been in preparation for over 6 hours........we are late for the 4:30 ceremony. Wedding coordinators are madly flipping papers on clip boards and the photographer is helping with corsages. We finally make it to the starting point of our walk down the aisle. Hilary waves her hands and breathes deeply..."talk to me mom!!....say anything or I'm gonna start crying" I think a moment and said "Scott stopped to pee the dogs and Nickolai bit him on the hand" "That's good!!!....that's good!!!......tell me again!!!"

I deliver her to her groom who is himself in tears when he sees his beautiful bride. There are no accidents or breakages. The frenzied avalanche of emotions and drama drifts away in to nothingness. All that matters is this one moment. Two people overcome by their love for one another as they take their vows.

There will be time later to explain the sudden loss of water pressure.