Goodbye dearest.....

I will miss you all.

I can't help but remember the good times spent with my dearest friends and look back with some degree of melancholy at our parting. It's inevitability hangs over me like a fog. I would like to just take a few minutes to say goodbye individually to my dearest loves.

Too you Funyuns....what can I say but I'll miss you the most. Your lovely processed goodness powdered with synthetic onion type derivative topping that makes your fingers smell like synthetic onion type derivative powder. Oh...the evenings we spent together!! After 8 weeks on my Goddamned Diet, the Funyun smell is just beginning to fade from my TV remote control. I will not however, miss your secondary gas and bloating and the unholy way in which you mixed with toothpaste. Good bye Funyuns.

To you Heath bar toffee ice cream......a few seconds in the microwave rendered a slippery and delicious mass that I had every intention of having instead of dinner. It's healthier that way....I'm ONLY HAVING THIS!....and Funyuns.....and maybe a few chips.....gotta have salty with the sweet.....and maybe....well.....you get the idea. A nice big bowl of you left me rolled over like a stranded turtle, unable to move or save myself......beached......waiting for the tide to sweep me back out to the merciful sea. Despite your horrid side effects, I miss you dearly. Maybe one day I'll be able to visit the frozen isle but for right now.....I'm just not strong enough.

To you Boston Market frozen dinners in the extra large size to which I added extra salt. *sigh* I will never forget the sheer volume of liquid I had to drink to offset your salty goodness. It was so convenient........I never had to waste all that movement walking to the bathroom to pee. My body held that water like a sponge. "these jeans must have shrunk in the wash" it couldn't possibly be the synthetic mysterious meat like product that is supposed to be meatloaf and the dehydrated potato like flakes which needed extra salt. Goodbye Boston Market. Your remnants cling to the inside of my microwave like epoxy paint.

Goodbye microwave popcorn butter blasters movie time type popcorn to which I added extra melted butter. 'Nuff said.

Hello fresh whole foods, real meat, whole grains, fresh fruit, seasonal lovely homegrown vegetables. Hello kitchen stove....did you miss me? Hello soup pot. Hello freezer for left overs (dinners for another day!? whooda thought??).

Hello Doctors office: "Dr Heather!!!", "I'm dying....or I have cancer....something is terribly wrong inside...my ass is falling off" "I swear to God I have anal cancer like fucking Farrah.....I saw that on TV!!" I'm going to have to go to some ass/colon specialist right??"

"No Nancy......although I applaud your dietary changes and your commitment to making healthy choices, your body is in a state of shock" "What are you saying Dr Heather!...Funyun withdrawal?? "You can't be freakin' serious!!"

This could only happen to me.