Sabotage

As you all know well by now, I have not been on a scale in years. "Why depress myself", I thought. It's not like I don't have enough worries to keep me busy......real and imagined. Why put myself through all that useless trauma? It's just a number.....right?

Funny thing numbers. When they start approaching the equivalent of a beached baby beluga, or the average tonnage of the starting defensive line up of the Washington Redskins, they are goddamned powerful. Gut wrenching, anxiety attack inducing, "smelling salts and crash cart needed in exam room 3 STAT!", powerful.

I saw my weight quite by accident. I happen to have a doctor with extremely neat hand writing. How in the hell did that happen?!!? Their hand writing is supposed to look like an EKG strip! It's in the rules! They take crappy handwriting classes in grad school!! Nope, Dr Heather, who I just love, writes like my daughter who is a first grade teacher. It's just wrong!

The damage was done. The Gods interceded on my blissful, McDonald's double cheeseburger induced denial and sent it crashing down.......fuckers. I saw the number. Since that terrible day, black Tuesday, I have watched that "just a" number slowly....oh so painfully slowly....reduce. Until this week, when I found a new road to denial and the inevitable self sabotage that follows.

Here's how it goes: "Oh wow!!...I've dropped another pound and a half!....cool! I have a little wiggle room here. I won't be as vigilant today. Everyone needs a little break right?" (ok...so I'm already in denial about the fact that my last "little break" lasted 10 years and added 80 pounds) Mmmmmm....salty baked lays.....salty pretzels........mmmmmmm....creamy tomato soup with crackers" (salted). It's not like I'm going to McDonalds or DQ or anything. Sound familiar?

I was shocked and stunned and depressed to find on my regular Monday weigh in that my Saturday pound and a half loss had turned in to a 3 pound gain. WTF!!?? you can't be serious!! "Mom, you fell right in to the sabotage trap. You aren't supposed to weigh on Saturday and then spend Sunday eating!" "Why the hell not!?! Is it possible, or even remotely fair that I can walk, step, climb, diet and work my way to every ounce lost with sweat and tears only to have it un done by a few freakin' saltines in my soup!?! Is the universe really that unfair!!??

Yup.....it is....shut up and deal.

Keep your eyes open this time Forrest.