Sleep.......sleeeeeep

Sleep.......not an easy thing for me. Since starting my goddamned diet, I have been without the soporific effect of a belly full of funyuns. Seriously, nothing will put you to sleep faster than being funyunated and unable to move. Evening eating was just a part of my daily routine. Now, after a full day working as a veterinary surgical assistant and a brisk evening walk with the dogs and a light fruit snack, I'm............very...........A-W-A-K-E!!!.

I've been forced to find new routines that do not involve unholy amounts of highly processed food-like products. One of them is writing this blog. Another is working to regain control of my house. During this process I've also become rather painfully aware that I have pets. Let me just say that I love my animals.......all too fucking many of them. They are a potpourri of quirks and issues that accelerate and magnify at night.

Let me just set the stage here and give you a sample of the typical post- goddamned diet sleepless night: The house is dark. The crickets are chirping. A lovely cool breeze is wafting through the bedroom smelling of early fall......and here's me: "F-R-E-E that spells free, credit report dot com bay-bee" "Crap!....that kid really needs to die" "He's almost as annoying as those freakin' cavemen" "What time is it?" "credit report dot com bay-bee" "Fuck" "I'll kill him myself!"

Enter Sandy......my rather large black and white cat who has decided that now is a perfect time to make biscuits on mamas large flabby belly. "Yes Sandy...I love you too, now OUCH!! "Move along big daddy"

Enter Suede...the masturbater.....OK....don't judge. I said my cats have issues. Suede has a talent for self gratification. Hump.hump.hump.hump.hump. I'm almost positive that he's not the only kitty in the world with a slight masturbatory problem."Goddamnit Suede get off my leg!!"(yes...he's neutered..... and multi-talented)

Enter Dimitrius who is jealous that Suede seems to be having such a good time and wants some attention by purring loudly and rubbing against my face. The problem here is that Sandy and Dimitrius don't care much for each other.(Never underestimate your cat's ability to use your face as a launching pad in the event of an altercation.)

Enter Diego.......initiator of the infamous inadvertent cat-butt download. He's sitting on the freakin' keyboard....beep....beep...beep....beep......"Bastard child!.......get off it!!!" beep....beep....beep...beep. I fling the covers back after coming so close to drifting off to glorious sleep and stomp over to the computer. There he sits...purring.....lovely, sweet Diego. I scratch him on the head and stow the keyboard.

I am convinced that Diego was responsible for "The incident" This involved me being shaken out of a deep sleep by a loud male voice booming in a foreign language. I was airborne for a full 2.3 seconds as the voice rattled my brain. Kneeling on the floor trying to catch my breath.....eyes darting wildly around the room....I regained my senses enough to walk over to the computer and there, shining through, in all it's LED glory is a window.....["are you sure you want to download the Greek language translator?"]
"FUCKING DIEGO......WHERE ARE YOU .....YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!!! as I said.......he is the reigning king of the cat-butt download.

I miss my night food. I miss uninterrupted sleep. I miss my little dream-denial bubble where my pets aren't psychotic at night which I wouldn't notice anyway because I'm sleeping so well.

I have learned a few things during my wakefulness that I'd like to share. First......my cats are completely unbalanced and a genuine menace...but I love them.....who the hell else would? Second.....never check your bank balance in the middle of the night...not conducive to sleeping well. Third.....never give the dogs pupperoni late at night because they will systematically wake you at the exact same time every night in the hopes of getting another pupperoni....forever!!

Such is my life.