Gninja Gnats

Just in case any of you might be operating under the assumption that I am even remotely in charge of my life, let me clue you in.......I am, in fact, not in control......the dogs are. The dogs, out of a genuine concern for my health and well being have decided that it's best for me if we go for a walk in the park every evening. Aren't they sweeeeet! That's some serious unconditional love in action right there.

OK.....so what they really want is to sniff random animal urine and poop on the trail but you get the idea. They have learned that I will come home and eat, and then we'll go for a walk in the park where mama will fight off the killer gninja gnat population that's drawn to her sweaty face. Try one time swatting a gnat away with a leash in each hand, one of which is also sporting a swinging bag of stinky poop. Not easy.

So here's how it goes: I have already decided on the way home from work that I'm tired and am not going to walk tonight. I'm sitting quietly in front of the television watching cooking shows and wondering why that girl gets to eat butter and cream and chocolate cupcakes. Nickolai sits at my feet and looks directly in to my eyes........mmmuuuuurrrrrroowwwwllllll........roooowwwwwwlll,,,,,,,,haaaaarummph......*sneeze* "Good God! who's brilliant fucking idea was it to get a husky mix!!??" The husky vocalizations defy explanation. "Nickolai hush!....I don't wanna!!!" mmmmurrrorooowrooowlll........grrrooooooooommrowrowlwoooowllllll......*sneeze* By this time Willow has picked up on the game and is doing her dance of joy, which consists of hopping up and down on her back legs while waving her front paws in the air. "Willie!!.....I don't wanna!!" God help me if I say any word that sounds even close to "go" or "park". By the time I reach for my sneakers in defeat, the dogs are already waiting by the collars for me to slip their martingales around their necks.

To say that they are waiting is misleading. They are battling each other like two children each wanting to be the first one up the stairs. Nickolai pushing Willow out of the way so he can be first to be leashed and Willow circling back around for a sneak attack from the rear. I'm standing there waiting, and saying something utterly impotent like "come on kids!!......enough!!" They bound joyfully to the car! Nickolai pisses on the tire! We get in the car! We're going to the park!!.........so mama can exercise!!

We're walking......we're peeing.....we're sniffing...we're watching carefully for those damned communist bastard squirrels because we have to pull mama to the base of the tree and look up longingly. "What exactly are you getting from this Nickolai!?" Willow is practicing her precision peeing technique. This is where she perches carefully over a random fallen leaf and squeezes out 3 drops of pee. Mission accomplished. Now we must kick up a large amount of dirt.....preferably on to mamas shoes or Nick's face. (shes getting him back for peeing on her head yesterday)

Witnessing my ridiculous dogs and their rituals and my ongoing battle with the gnats armed with nothing but a poopy bag is your basic local gentry.......joggers.....tennis players....kids in very large baggy short pants walking manfully to the basketball court......folks out on the fitness trail with their own dogs. What they must think of me.

The dogs touching concern for my health is paying off.......they have badgered and harassed me into a 22 pound weight loss. YAY ME!!! that's 88 sticks of butter my friends.