Obsession

The list of strange and unusual occurrences that I did not see coming seems to be an ever growing entity. I was just talking about how fortunate I am that I'm not struggling with food obsession. You know how that works don't you?.......you spend all the time that you're not actually eating, thinking about what you're going to eat next. I haven't struggled with cravings. I haven't had fast food or chocolate since I started this journey. My obsession is a well worn old friend....and the reason I'm here to begin with. I'm talking about scale obsession. It was my scale addiction that led to my vow never to hop upon one of those evil little contraptions ever again.

So here I am....not suffering from the expected cravings......but with the unexpected ones. I'm completely at the mercy of that blinking LED number that flashes every time I pull out my carefully put away scale. At the urging of Hilary...I have put the scale in an even more inconvenient place to reach. I must learn to deal with my addiction.

I have always thought it odd that companies like Jenny and Weight Watchers seem to bankroll our diet failures, to the point of actually encouraging and even demanding our obsessed attention. Weight Watchers would never work for me! Good God!! All that calculating and point conversions....."OK that was a turkey sandwich on 2 slices of bread.....swiss cheese......mustard....What are the calories in mustard? So that's 4 points and 22o calories so I'd have to walk @#%$ minutes or run @#$% miles to burn $#%& calories to make up for having 2 slices of bread...if I can get my heart rate up enough.....so for dinner I'll have......."Stop right there Tiger.......you are so fucked right now" What kind of a life is this? Jenny is little better. I don't have to think at all. I just have to buy the food. I don't have to do anything else except go back to Jenny and buy more food once I fail. What?.....am I gonna eat Jenny for forever?

Thank God that I'm not spending all my time thinking about food. I am not however,free from the obsession. I need to see the numbers reducing and when they don't....I'm having a mini stroke about it. "OK.....what did I eat....salty crackers?...that could account for the gain...and it's evening and not morning so........"Stop right there tiger......you are so fucked right now." Lets examine this, shall we?

I think that all of this obsessing is a way not to deal with the emotional changes that evidently go along with weight loss. (yeah.....didn't see that coming)Let me clue you in about us fat girls......we expect to be overlooked, judged and found lacking, and generally pushed to one side. We don't demand notice or respect. Trust me when I tell you it's easier that way. It's not because of who we are....it's because we are fat. That's one hell of a hefty crutch to let go of easily. It's why most of us fail.

So I've put the scale away and am infinitely grateful that I'm not thinking continuously about food. I am however...mad as hell. "Don't you dare fucking look over me like I'm not here!!!" "Where is that little dickless waiter!?!" Is this me? Is this what self esteem feels like? This can't be right. What the hell has happened here? As long as I'm thinking only of the numbers.....well.....then it's only numbers and not a long ago wounded Nancy trying at last to enter the world not being second best...second choice.....and not worth the trouble.

I am worth the trouble......lots and lots of trouble. I can generate some serious fucking trouble up in here..... just as soon as I'm able to go 20 minutes without getting on the scale.