It has come to my attention

It has come to my attention that a small investment in some bug spray may be in order if I'm to continue on with my goddamned fitness program which involves walking the dogs in the park. Let me just say that I did, in fact, purchase bug spray some weeks ago. Being my Grandmother.....I am unable to use anything new right away. I have to live with it for a while, maybe push it around with my foot a little. This little personality quirk is growing exponentially as I age.

Hilary brought bug spray the last time we walked and it was a revelation! No kamikaze stalker gninja gnats hounding me, forcing me to wave poopy bags around as my only means of self defense. Hilary very gracefully lifted the can above her head and unleashed a gentle mist of spray. Then she extended her long graceful arms and sprayed them. She then sprayed a fine mist over me and we proceeded to have a lovely walk.

Now on to last night: I finally grab my can of Deep Woods off and lift it over my head to unleash same said fine mist........only.........and remember this is me we're talking about.........*kersshhhhhht.....splat* I feel a wad of bug spray land on top of my head and immediately smell of insecticide. "Shit!!!.....what the hell did I do wrong?!" I test the spray again in to the air. A fine mist emerges after some sputtering. I extend my arms gracefully and.........*keeersshhhhhh.......sput*, a wad of bug spray lands on my arm. "Well shit a brick", Whatever!.......I'm goin'"

So I'm in the car with the dogs. Nickolai leans tentatively over to the drivers seat from his spot on the passengers side and give me a little sniff. He pulls back, shakes his head and sneezes. "OK....I know.....I stink......but you're getting your walk so deal with it!" He pulls as far over to the door as he can and sneezes again. I then notice that Willow is in the very back of the car instead of the back seat. "Everyone is a fucking critic".

I'm driving....I'm stinking......and I'm pondering my place in the universe......and I bet there's not an insect within 500 yards of me. Let me just say that it takes about 4 minutes to get from my house to the park and in that time, I'm managing to do a lot of pondering.......and smelling for that matter.

I see an older woman wearing a leopard print overly tight top. "Never a good idea, animal prints" "They look fine on animals and trashy on women no matter what the age" I say to Nickolai who is pressing his nose against any crack in the seal of the window and sniffing loudly. Then I see a very large man, clearly over 350 pounds, riding a very small motorized bike and talking on a cell phone. I laugh out loud. "What do you suppose is so urgent that it needs to be discussed at this particular moment?" Willow has now laid down in the hatch back and Nickolai is still sneezing. I have mercy and open the windows for them......and they are grateful.

I see a perfectly pretty and tanned young woman walking her dog. Her dog is walking perfectly at her side, the leash slacked as if not necessary at all. Her hair and make-up also beautifully done. I turn to Nickolai's ass (because the rest of him is out the window) "I bet she never wakes up in the morning with her pantie shield stuck to the side of her face..they migrate you know" He does not respond.

We walk at the park. Nickolai must "hose everything down like it's his job" as Hilary says. He is not perfect on the leash, and I am far from perfect on the other end of the leash. We are not like the perfect petite blond with the perfect dog. We are not trashy like the leopard lady. We are not without care for appearances like the mo-ped man. We are Nancy and Nickolai and Willow.......a pack........a unit.......We are ourselves and, that's OK! ... only one of us really reeks right now.

This is my life........and no one Else's *sigh* I'm down 23 pounds (that's 92 sticks of butter)