Honestly......really......no honestly

My name is Nancy Houston.........and I am a fat girl. Of this I am not ashamed. I have so many other things to be ashamed of, why pick on that one? Being said fat girl, I have a monster capacity for deception. Self being my favorite variety. To all you other fat girls out there...brace yourselves....I'm blowing the lid off one of our favorite lies. Here it is: "People really think that I eat a lot based on my size, but the truth is I eat very normally. I have a slow metabolism. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to lose weight"

OK.......this is me you're talking to. Whats your poison? Chocolate cake? M&M's?, Chicken McNuggets?, what? You don't need to tell me, or anyone. Whatever your secret food passion is.... whatever your guilty pleasure that takes the edge off a truly heinous day........own it. No one on earth can have a more embarrassing food obsession than mine with funyuns (ahhhhh funyuns!) Come on ladies!........give......honestly. You know what it is and you're ashamed of it, but there is power and freedom to be had by looking in that mirror (make it a small mirror at first, and try not to scare the neighbors) and saying "TWINKIES!!" right out loud.

I had this epiphany just last night while I was raking under the bed. Yes!.....I was raking under the bed and I'm not nearly as ashamed as I should be to say that I encountered more than one log jam under there. What I pulled out was my life in a nutshell (what an appropriate receptacle for my freakin' life!) It was a window in to the pre-goddamned diet-Nancy. What follows is a partial list of the crapola that crawled of it's own volition to a final resting place under my bed: Cat toys, stuffed dog toys, assorted silverware and dishes, at least a dozen sprite cans (diet of course), numerous and most assuredly odd socks covered in cat hair, several large femur bones that I can only hope originally belonged to the dogs, SIX!!! empty funyun bags, two empty cartons of Whoppers (I had almost forgotten about that little indulgence) you need to bite them in half and let the malted milk melt on your tongue, then eat the chocolaty outer shell........*focus*,tampon wrappers (how in the fuck?????....) the complete guide to "I Love Lucy", and my DVD copy of "The Queen" starring Helen Mirren. (Did I really buy that?!......seriously??!!)

There was a lesson in all that crap sitting on my bedroom floor next to the leaf rake. It was a sign post to how far I've come on this journey. I would have been too horrified to share this story.....too embarrassed, because normal people don't have shit under their beds, but here it is! "I am a fat girl!!...and I got that way because I ate too many funyuns and whoppers!!...and I'm trying to change that!! and even though I've failed at everything else....I can succeed at this!!....and I have........and I wish.........and I'm...........seriously depressed right now. I can't believe that I actually bought a copy of "The Queen" starring Helen Mirren. What kind of a freak of nature do you need to be to have your own personal copy of "The Queen" starring Helen Mirren!!??

What the fuck??!!