This could only happen to me

As I've stated many times before, where I go....weirdness follows. I had a rather embarrassing occurrence a few days ago that started me remembering some of my finer "this could only happen to me" moments. Let me just take you back a few days.

As usual, my cats and the dogs were beginning to rumble at about 2:00a.m. If I had any degree of control over my life, I would feed my animals at a convenient time like normal people do, but as it stands, after years of tending infant kittens who required feedings around the clock, I just sort of got in to the habit of feeding at 2:00 a.m. This left me a fairly decent amount of time to go back to sleep and wake up in time for work. Little did I know at the time that cats and elephants never forget. I am jumped, pawed, loved,licked, and meowed in to submission nightly.

So I'm up.....I stagger out of bed wearing my over sized tank top which is large enough to double as a boat cover, and super baggy sweats that were huge on me before I lost 27 pounds or 108 sticks of butter. My ponytail has migrated to a resting place in the vicinity of my left ear and is compositionally offset by a spray of pillow hair off to the right. I get downstairs and realize that the canned cat food is in the back of my car out in the lot. "Who's up at this unholy hour?" I ask myself and venture outside to retrieve the canned cat food for my little heathens.

Outside is a collection of police cars evidently dealing with some sort of a who haw in the neighborhood. No lights or sirens....just half a dozen of our city's finest all watching me.... strange voluminous weather balloon like creature staggering out of her dark townhouse. "No..I'm not in need of assistance.....just getting some Friskies thanks".....oh my God!....please just shoot me now....."No..I'm good...not having a heart attack.......just need to feed my .......cats" I try to straighten my hair and slink back in to the house. This could only happen to me.

I shut the door behind me and fondly recalled rushing out of my parents home many years ago shutting my over sized men's trench coat in the door. The stunned horror came rushing back to me as I remembered attempting to free my coat and realized that the keys were in my coat pocket which was firmly and irrevocably on the other side of the locked door. This could only happen to me. Evidently when God was handing out the ability to do something incredibly science-fiction stupid without witnesses.....I was in the ladies.

I could tell you stories of dogs stepping on poopy diaper adhesive tape and watching helplessly as the poop disappeared through the kitchen and around the hall. I could tell you about stumbling up the stairs when I was trying to do my best Marilyn Monroe wiggle for a guy I liked and having the fem prods in my purse scatter out like confetti.......yup.....this could only happen to me. What doesn't break me makes me stronger and one of these days, the Gods will tire of patterning my life after The Three Stooges and cut me some fucking slack here........please.