Top Chef

I love cooking shows. I love to watch all of that food, and cream, and butter being bandied about resulting in dishes lush with fat and unctuous mouth appeal. It's not that I want to eat all of the things I see.....I just like to see food handled....and comment on it to the dogs, "see...they ruined that with the dill" I'll say to Nickolai. He tends to agree with me because his tastes tend more toward cat shit. He lays his ears back and wags his tail and continues to lick where his testicles used to be. Nickolai feels that no dish can be enhanced by the addition of squid ink and he gets downright annoyed when it's suggested that spaghetti squash is a viable alternative to pasta. He and I frequently watch cooking shows together. His pointed insight is always refreshing.


Top Chef is one of my absolute favorites because the food is so obscure. I can sit back and wonder on what planet does Mom cook Cod with Parsley sauce,Billi-Bi Croquette and Zucchini Tenderloin fer' dinner. Even on a special occasion while dining out, you will not hear "man!...I could really go for some Tuna Tartare with gooseberries and a fried quail egg" coming from me. This sort of food exists in a world that does not include people like me. It is eaten by people whose palettes revel in squid ink risotto and tripe.......not so different from Nickolai and his cat shit predilection in my humble opinion.


Let me suggest to the powers that be at Bravo TV, that they consider a brief jaunt through my world. "For your quickfire challenge today, you will need to pull the meat off of two roasted chicken breasts while simultaneously fighting off six obnoxious cats who have mounted a three pronged chicken offensive. Your time starts now!!" "What do you have for us today chef Nancy?" "Well Tom....I have a raw mushroom salad with a yuzu emulsion" "PSYCH!!!.....not really......I have shake-and-bake pork chops and rice-a-roni cooked on a stove top with one wobbly working burner and an oven that is far too depressed to rise above 350 degrees today. Please enjoy" I can see myself losing the challenge to the guy who made a pot of puh-sketti with a jar of prego and 2 pounds of frozen ground chuck. Such is life in my world.

I have no regrets in this arena. Although the Gods chose not to bless me with a successful life plan or, a sense of style, or a smokin' hot bod, or the ability to engage in normal human relationships, or financial saavy,or............do I have any lorazepam in the house?........what was I saying?...........oh yeah.........regrets.....they did bless me with the occasional sense of the idiotic and access to pharmaceuticals which I suddenly feel a need for.