Confession...part 2

As I have more than established that my life is a ridiculous mess, I am again feeling the need to shine the light on areas that I've kept well hidden from people in general. What have I got to lose?? So here it is: I am now, and always have been, convinced that everyone in the world maintains a level of normalcy that escapes me. When God was handing out successful life plans, I had stepped out for a smoke.

For me, the world is separated in to two groups; normal people........and me. Normal women have husbands or significant others who share life's burdens. They complain that he snores, or laughs out loud at Sponge Bob, or buys them crappy birthday presents but all in all, there's love there. She cooks dinners and looks at fabric samples for the curtains. She pays the bills with the paycheck that he so dutifully hands over. He takes out the trash and goes to Home Depot on the weekends to get a new toilet flapper for the downstairs john. The linen closet is perfectly appointed and the toilet sparkles with fresh clean-ness. Once a month she gets down and washes the baseboards, and feels wonderful about her ability to get spots and stains of any kind out of clothing.

From the sublime, to the ridiculous; I have no husband or significant other. Being in a relationship would involve honesty and I'm simply not there yet. Being a fat girl really helps in this area because not only do I get to opt out of honest relationships, I get to lie to myself about the reason why. Cool! I snore and have actually been able to awaken myself with the sound of my own snoring. I laugh out loud at the violent cartoons from the 40's and 50's. I pay my own bills which unfortunately surpass my monthly income. I take out my own trash which sits in a large 55 gallon trash can that sits by my front door inside. There is something growing in the bottom of my toilet that has recently began signaling me in an effort to communicate. Everything I own is stained. I have never washed baseboards and there's a broken television in my linen closet.

I never sleep under covers. Sheets........not really. I sleep on top of a pile of blankies on my bed. When the top one gets dirty, I peel off a layer and a clean one is underneath. I keep my heat set at 60 degrees all winter long because fat girls need to be refrigerated. I have been known to have popcorn for dinner. I always check for Dimitrius before getting in the shower because if he sees my ass cheek brush the liner, he'll attack like it's the Loch Ness monster, and my dog panics at the sound of his own farts.

Now I ask you.......what man or significant other, looks at that list of qualities and thinks "That's the girl for me!" I'm really OK with that though. I'm learning through this journey how to accept myself anyway.....even if I am a demographic of one. There's no longer a need to hide behind layers of extra pounds. This is me...warts and all. OK, so mostly warts, but this is me is the point here people.

Is it hot in here or is it just me??