Bridal Adventure

This past weekend, my daughter Hilary and I had a mother/daughter day scheduled. We both had a Friday off and decided to spend it together. There were no hard and fast plans for what we were going to do so I was completely surprised when she called that morning and suggested rather sheepishly that we go look at wedding dresses.

Hilary was a complete disaster nervous wreck at the prospect of trying on gowns. She was fidgety and breathless which required that I perform my patented "nervous dance" which consists of me shuffling back and forth engaging all of my natural grace and rhythm into a cohesive interpretive dance. As we all remember, walking in place requires coordination that I simply do not have so you can imagine how well it was received. Threatening to chaperon one of her school dances and actually dance worked well when she was in middle school ("Oh God Mom noooooooo"), but as an adult, the most I got was a quick survey of the parking lot for witnesses.

I was pleased and proud to be the one to go with her on such an important day. You may think it would be a no-brainer, being her mother and all, but as Hilary knows all too well.....her mother was born without a sense of style. I don't know an a-line from a drop waist from a sweetheart neckline. The best I could do was sit on the cushy pink Victorian chair and try not to leave a stain or make a bad smell. Hilary's biggest concern was that she'd look like a "sausage link stuffed in a wedding dress" Not to worry....she looked stunning in everything.

As we are both on goddamned diets in an effort to look our best for her wedding, she was much less forgiving of her flaws than I was. In my eyes, she has none. In her eyes.....a different story. She said things like "double boobs" I have no idea what that means, and "back fat" and "stuffed sausage" and "face like a dinner plate". Her consultant was wonderful and pulled dresses that she thought would flatter her curvy figure."Did she just say that I need to lose 20 pounds!?" "No Hilary, she said that you could lose up to 20 pounds and you'd still be ok with that dress" "Are you sure??...I'm pretty sure she said I need to lose 20 pounds" "No...seriously Hil, she said you could lose 20 pounds". "That's what I said.....that I need to lose 20 pounds" "*sigh*.....do they have a bathroom here?"

At the end of 2 hours, she had picked out her wedding dress and vowed never to eat again. She called me this evening to tell me she had gotten up early this morning to work out. We have both re-dedicated ourselves to the goddamned diet and exercise plan and as Hilary says, we'll look "goddamned gorgeous" on her wedding day. Of this I have no doubt.

It was a perfect day aside from that unfortunate stain on the pink poofy chair..........this is me we're talking about here.