The cheese ball incident, and other short stories

I'm quite happy to announce that I managed to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas without gaining any weight. I had a few little indulgences but was able to leave it at that without the gorging and guilt and M&M's and double cheeseburgers. Of this I am quite proud, but just in case you're thinking that my holiday was without the weirdness that hounds me continually, let me clue you in........it was not and all is right with the world. The sun will continue to rise in the east and set in the west and the fabric of time and space will remain securely interwoven because I am here for the weird shit to happen to. As always, I ask myself " What can I learn from this experience?"

I learned that sump pumps have a set lifespan because mine passed quietly away during the massive snow melt. I learned that wet floors and kitty litter cause a nuclear bond when they come in to contact with the bottoms of rubber crocs that nothing short of scraping with fingernails and welders torch can remove. Mental note: try not to forget that sump pumps exist because they tend to remind you late in the evening during a historic rain event. I will call her Sally sump pump and she will be my friend........my new......overly expensive friend.

I learned that if there is a little blob of cream cheese on Hilary's kitchen floor that she stops and points out to me with her key lime cheese ball fingers ( mental note: It's not a good idea to mix cream cheese with your hands. Trust me on this one) and warns me not to step in,that a series of events have been set in to motion that will alter the space time continuum until an unalterable force exists between my shoe and the cream Cheese blob in question. From there, things quickly deteriorate in to Scotch tape throwing and me yelling "fuck the cheese ball" instead of "Merry Christmas"

I learned that as I age, I have a diminished capacity to know, understand or care that my face has a perpetually confused and dazed appearance. I expect to start swatting at imaginary flies any day now. Example: Hilary and I in Wal-Mart today with me looking for printer ink when I've forgotten the numbers I need or the make of my printer. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I hear Hilary's voice telling me to "let it go". I'm not ready to let it go......I need to find 15/22/21/96 HP fucking shit and I'm not ready to let it go goddamnit....why does ink have to be so expensive any way!? It's ink forchristsakes!!

It took Hilary gently prying my fingers off the cart and saying loudly "Mama...let it go!!!....that's NOT our cart!!!! before I realized I had walked away in frustration pushing a cart full of miscellaneous electronic equipment, leaving my purchases and purse parked by the ink. I am very thankful that Hilary was with me and is in a position of having to love me anyway. Her impression of me as she attempted to make me understand the cart incident caused me to laugh all my make-up off in the middle of Wal-Mart.

So knowing what you do of me.......what do you think the chances are that one of my cats will puke all over my Comcast fancy schmancy remote control? That's right!!.....100 freakin percent. What do you think the chances are that the person directly in front of me at the popcorn counter will spill their gallon jug pepsi all over my feet? Right again!!!.....100 freakin percent. What do you think the chances are that my dog will poop on a mound of snow right on the corner of someones driveway that he has to hike his ass up higher to poop on when he was fed almost 24 hours earlier and shouldn't have any poop anyway?? This is getting too easy, isn't it?

Any suggestions on how to get regurgitated seafood supper out of a remote control? Never mind......I'll Google it.