Goals for 2010.....fuck Matt Lauer

So 2009 is winding down and it's time for New Year resolutions. Can I just tell you that I hate resolutions. To me it seems like a first class one way greased slide to failure and believe me when I tell you that I need no help in this area. I recall too many December 31st's where I've resolved to quit smoking, lose weight, cut back on my funyun addiction, try to keep a cleaner house and maybe even buy curtains, and pull out the stove and refrigerator and clean underneath and aside from the curtain thing.......I've done all of these without proclaiming them in the form of a "doomed to fail" guilt driven resolution.

I saw on the Today show this morning, Matt Lauer introducing a segment where a woman had lost half her body weight.....wait for it.......without pills or surgery!!! THIS gets you a spot on the Today show! Evidently I am an anonymous part of a grass roots movement toward natural weight loss. That's right people.......there was the attempted terrorist attack on Northwest Airlines flight 253, Sean Goldmans Christmas reunion with his father after a 5 year court battle and a woman who lost weight without pills or surgery. Believe it or not kids, this is how it used to be done back in the 70's.

I am convinced that this lead story was designed to subliminally encourage people to join Jenny Craig and buy a thigh master and a Kymora body shaper and hurry up and schedule that appointment to get a good liposucking because it's time for fucking resolutions and for the diet industry to make more money off of fat people who are desperate to drop weight fast and just this once not to fail at it. My answer to all of my fellow fat girls at this time of the year is to take a deep breath......and fuck Matt Lauer. You really can do this without pills or surgery or Dr freakin' Phil. Time for my list-o-goals for 2010..... the bastard child of resolutions.

As I dangle here on the prepuce of financial ruin, my goals have undergone some slight alterations.I am dropping weight loss off the list (I think it goes without saying at this point) and am instead determined this year to achieve some degree of financial success creatively. I have bitched a lot about my talent and $1.37 getting me a coffee at Sheetz, but then I have never really been so panic ridden and motivated......not to mention being unable to spare the $1.37. This is my big goal for 2010. What follows is a list of my somewhat smaller goals:

I would like to find the strength to walk away from the "Twilight Zone" marathon for short periods of time. I don't know what it is about that cheesy freakin William Shatner fest that holds me like a stun ray emitting from a time portal in the twilight zone.

I would like the discipline to throw away one bag full of useless crap every week. I have too much debris in my life. For the record, the freeloaders don't count as debris.......except for maybe whoever is pooping in my shower.

I would like to call a truce with my remote control. You win. I conceded shortly after the cat vomited on it. Now my "guide" button doesn't work and if I weren't afraid that randomly pushing buttons would somehow bring back the country music, I would attempt to restore it. As it stands.....I can live without the guide button. Please just let me continue to live here.

I would like to spend much more time writing and painting......and less time dulling my senses and smoothing my anxiety by watching 1950's television reruns, and just for the record, Ricky never said "Lucy....you've got some 'splainin to do" ever. I'm just sayin'

I would like to cut down on the "Nancy-isms" These include pinching my finger in my cell phone, puncturing my neck with my keys while pulling my purse over my shoulder, standing in front of an automatic door only to have it pause........while it decides if I'm worthy of entering......as I stand......waiting.......before it finally opens, getting out of the shower only to realize that the towels are 2 floors down in the dryer, (see curtain reference above), perpetually forgetting where I left the car and finding out once I'm at work that I'm wearing one blue sock and one brown sock.

Thank you and goodnight