Cough Cough Sniff Cough grrrrrrrr

You would think that my giving myself an entire day to recover from my illness would suffice, but this bastard cold hangs on. When you live as close to the bone as I do, a much needed week in bed to nurse a head cold is simply not a possibility. I have spoken to Dr B about considering raising my yearly 3 days of sick leave to 6 weeks, but he's not going for it. I think the committee he discusses such things with consists of the three cats who reside at the clinic. Once they get an answer to him, I'm sure he'll forward it to me. Excuse me while I hold my breath.

Seeing as how I was up most of the night coughing, I've decided it's time to visit very young Dr Heather. I have crows feet older than her but shes wonderful and has been a great cheerleader through my Goddamned Diet ups and downs. So, back to being up last night.........I had a lot of time to watch TV which is never a good idea for me. Anything that isn't Andy Griffith or a cooking show tends to piss me off. OK......so....the cooking shows piss me off too....what's your point!!? Last night, it was the amazing Kymora Body Shaper. It will certainly explain the sharp elevation in my blood pressure to Dr Heather tomorrow.

So we have a parade of fat girls brought before us all wearing impossibly tight and clingy clothing that no self respecting fat girl who owns a fucking mirror would be caught dead in. Every bump and bulge is magnified as our poor fashion sense deficient ladies stand slump shouldered and withered like an unwatered plant, and talk about how much they hate their lumpy bumpy bodies. A quick step in to the dressing room and *Viola* all that blubber is pressed and squeezed in to a lycra body suit that has effectively "re-distributed" it. "I'm 10 inches smaller....I can buy a smaller size!!" they exclaim excitedly. "Oh my God!!....are....her earlobes larger!?" I ask Nickolai at 3:00 a.m. (He tends to ignore me during tirades.)

I have to wonder where all that re distributed fat goes? does it register as seismic activity when the body shaper is finally taken off at the end of the day? How many fat squeezing related fatalities have their been? If you were to fall down, would you bounce? What are the chances of your spleen getting pressed up in to your esophagus when seated while wearing the patented Kymora Body Shaper? I must know now.

"OK...for the before shot...look sad......awwww.....you're a sad fat girl....that's it, slouch...pull your hair down in front of your face. Now....the after shot......you're happy!!....happy squeezed fat girl standing tall!.....happy fat girl under flattering lighting......yay!!"

My favorite scene is the token skinny girl, who ever so gracefully slips on the "body shaper" and then slides in to her size 4 little black dress......an appreciative glance in the mirror and shes off to that super fabulous party. I can't help but picture the reality which includes a size 26 lady falling forward as she attempts to step in to her torture device and huffs and puffs and ruptures a rotator cuff while searching for the arm hole which is hopelessly lost somewhere in time.

Come on ladies!!!!.....Don't fall for this bullshit! Be smart, Be who you are!!...Love who you are!! We may not be size 4's but we have enough self respect to dress appropriately and strive for healthy bodies. Hating ourselves is not the answer and neither is being involved in a body shaper related bouncing accident, but if you ever are.....e-mail me okay?.....I'd love to hear about it.