Lessons learned

So Ive been at this goddamned diet for 5 months now. That's just about 5 months longer than any weight loss program I've managed so far. I've never been much of a dieter but more a proponent of accepting yourself just the way you are, as long as you're very careful never to look closely at who you really are. Did I forget to mention that last part? If it makes you feel any better, I never mentioned it to myself either. I was way too busy fabricating large sand castles of denial and eating Funyuns.

I'm 5 months in and have learned one hell of a lot about myself and the truly idiotic plethora of supposed weight loss and exercise programs and support systems that litter our airwaves. My plan is to blame it all on Valerie Bertinelli.....and her bikini. I am here for all you real ladies out there struggling with your individual weight issues, not for those TV bunnies who write a book because somehow their personal chef staff and nutritionists dropped the ball and allowed them to climb to a size 8 which in TV land makes you a heifer of the highest order. Fortunately, Jenny Craig comes to the rescue with pre packaged, overpriced food for all you size 8's who need to be size 2's in a goddamned hurry. We can't have all you young girls out there thinking that women fill out or get fat as they age.....heavens no!! We need you to crash and burn at 40 so you'll spend tons of money trying to achieve that photoshopped look that we find so appealing.

......but I am not here to rant, as much as I enjoy it. I am here to help, so I'd like to point out a few things that I've learned in these last 5 months. If I am able to help even one of you, my work is well directed and infinitely worth it so here goes:

1) Avoid diet macaroni and cheese at all costs. It is made of a substance that is not of this earth and may even have one of those disclaimers that say "may cause greasy and uncontrolled stool" if you look closely enough. Do yourself a favor and allow the occasional mac and cheese.

2) Exercise is essential. Sorry girls. I can't even tell you how much I regret having to say this. You will simply never lose that fat ass if you don't move that fat ass. The best you can do is find an activity that doesn't completely suck wind in a major way. For me, it's dog walking although right now........that Nickolai just puked up some sort of body part, I'm thinking treadmill. Rotten little bastard.

3) Leslie Sansone is a minion of the dark lord, as are all of those ladies who dance/kick box their way to fitness and operate under the assumption that fat girls are coordinated and enjoy getting their sexy on while exercising. These programs are for size 2's who need to tone that teeny tiny little booty......and those women capable of walking in place which, as we all know too well, I suck at.

4) As my sister Ann has long suspected, farts, in fact, weigh nothing so don't even bother getting the scale out to check. I've tried. Even though your pants suddenly fit better....the numbers go nowhere. Life can be so unfair.

5)After a certain amount of dietary success, you will experience a strange and slightly uncomfortable bodily sensation. After consulting with numerous medical professionals and many Google searches I have come to discover that this sensation is called being "cold" Yeah!!!!.....I know!!...Who would have ever thought it possible. No wonder people complain in the winter and close their windows! Mystery solved......you're welcome.

6)Even though the makers of Funyuns and the entire dairy industry call and beg you to abandon your goddamned diet because their financial hierarchy is crumbling...hold firm ladies. I have a sneaking suspicion that they do not have your best interests at heart. Moving the Funyun display into the produce aisle was just un called for gentleman! You know who you are.

As of this entry, I have lost 31 pounds or 124 sticks of butter. I feel one hell of a lot better and can now trim my own toenails without losing consciousness. I'm thinking this is probably a good thing. To all my fellow fat girls.........you know I love you. Stay strong......and let me know what the plan is to dispose of Valerie.