Affluenza

My house is where all second hand furniture goes to die.....kinda like the elephant graveyard without the heartstrings or poetry. It's not like furniture has ever been terribly important to me but just once in my life I'd like a taste of the finer things. I'm talking about those obnoxious twelve year old pop star rappers or skateboard drivers who show up on MTV giving us a tour of their indoor mountain climbing simulator and 3 million dollar jewel encrusted G-string. I just can't watch them pull open their refrigerator to reveal 60 bottles of Dom Perignon and 4 cases of Kabbalah water and a jar of grape jelly. It's just too painful.

I don't begrudge them the spoils of their massive success. I'd just like them to write me a fucking check so I can press my nose to the glass for a few moments. It's not that I need or want an in home movie theater complete with ticket window, I'd just like the occasional new couch or new carpeting or even shower curtain or mini blinds or a new goddamned stove please, but as I said......my house is where all trappings of comfort or affluence go to breathe their last. I have animals....and work in the veterinary industry. That just about sums it up.

I have often said to anyone unfortunate enough to listen, that as I'm breathing my last and preparing to leave this world, I will most likely not be thinking "man...I loved that couch" I will be remembering family, friends, and my beloved psychotic, poo poo impaired pets.....and litters of infant kittens and sweet soulful canine eyes that reach out to you for help and all of those wonderful things that keep me from having cars and cocktail rings and hundred dollar moisturizing creme for my crows feet (I don't do birds). I have to remind myself that I've made my choices and they don't include affluence. They include effluence...and flatulence...and snot rockets. Such is the ridiculous life of my own choosing.

So as I sit here at my second hand computer (thank you Ted) at my second hand computer desk (thank you Jen) the dogs are huddled together with 3 cats on the only space that my body ever occupies on my second hand king size bed. Why do they do that!! I have to remind myself that life is important, and health is important, and everything else is just stuff, and even though the under wire just snapped on my last intact bray-zeir and my tires are balding and the credit card company lowered my limit because I just suck.........tomorrow is another day in my full time, mini blind less, one wobbly burner on the stove, new hole in the second hand couch, cat peed on the laundry encrusted life.

.......and maybe one day, the gods will take pity on my sixteen feet below the poverty level, lower middle class only in my dreams kinda life and grant me a little windfall.....even just for a little while. I can dream right? because the reality includes yet another animal in need and the hope that there are a few people left in the world that will actually still take my phone calls. So come look in my refrigerator little MTV skateboard fella........I'll show you diet sprite and 3 petrified peaches and a jar of pickles that I think may have been left by the previous owner. Come look in my romantic get away bathroom with a cat in the sink and vinyl shower curtain liner that doubles as a shower curtain which is in shreds because Dimitrius attacks my ass when it dares to makes contact. Come visit my parking space since I don't have a garage for my classic car collection and while your at it...I'll make you a nice lunch of lean cuisine lasagna if you promise to let the dogs lick the plastic tray before we put it in the recycle bin.

You'll love it.....really