OK...so I've been struggling with unexplained weight gain. The interesting thing about mystery weight gain is that if you sneak a little peek at it when it thinks you're not lookin'..........you'll find that it's quite easily explained. For the last few weeks I've been losing and re gaining the same goddamned three pounds. "What the hell is going on here!!??" To say I've been a little frustrated is a vast understatement. My poor digital scale is suffering the effects of me repeatedly stepping on and off it and damning it to Hell because "that can't be right!"It has, in fact, developed self-esteem issues and will screw with me by throwing out a random "10 pounds heavier than I was a nanosecond ago" number. If it could spell out "fuck you" on it's LCD screen, it most certainly would. As it stands......my dearest digital gets her point across.
I've had a nagging suspicion that it has something to do with the baked potato chips that have replaced my Funyun addiction. I will be the first to stand up and say that I am a complete crunchy salty junkie. To give up real chips and Funyuns and gain weight off of baked fucking Lays has been a concept too horrible to face. In what kind of a just and loving universe is this allowed to take place!? How can I possibly be bundled up in my woolies, huddled under my blankie because the heat is set at 60 degrees, watching "Andy Griffith" episodes (don't judge......I'm also addicted to Barney Fife who never fails to make me laugh) snacking away on my beloved salty crunchy chippeys and gain weight? Reeeeeaaaally easy.
I went out to lunch with Hilary today. We had the salad bar even though I wanted to get chinese. Mmmmmmm chinese......so salty.....so high fat!! After finishing our salads we slipped over to the grocery store so I could pick up some shake-n-bake, and I mentioned my little problem to Hilary. She zeroed in on a bag of baked Lays and said "120 calories" "See!!" I said, then she continued, "for 9 chips" "WHAAAAAT.......are you kidding me??" "On what fucking planet do beings exist that can eat only 9 bloody chips at a time!!??!!" "MOM.........you have to read the labels" My attempt to read the labels did not go well. The ones that I could manage to see even with my bifocals required translation from Hilary. The rest were simply too small to see.
So I've learned valuable lessons today. Number 1: It sucks to get old. Number 2: take Hilary for clarification purposes to the grocery store whenever possible. Number 3: I WILL NOT substitute crunchy carrots for my evening fix......carrots will be consumed only by the guinea pigs. Number 4: The episodes where Barney sings are the best ever. Number 5: I guess I'll switch to pretzels...I can easily only eat 9 of them.
It's Friday in my ridiculous life, and I'm sitting here typing instead of crunching. I've walked the dogs who were more unruly tonight than I would have liked,and my digital clock says "8"....not 8:00 a.m. or 8:00 p.m.........just "8" It started saying "8" sometime yesterday and I've pressed every fucking button repeatedly. Why is everything digital in the house turning against me? My technology karma remains intact and unchanged.
8........really??
What the fuck?!
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Barney rules!! (and so do crunchy, salty, things) I feel your pain, and join you in fight against carrot substitution. Whoever thinks that a baby carrot is even remotely close to taking the place of a cool ranch dorito has no earthly right to make such silly suggesstions.
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