The thing about new tires

So here's the deal on tires: nobody really wants to ever have to buy them. In my perfect world, tires are just perpetually rejuvenating entities, as are oil and filter changes, and tax returns. I want to know they're taken care of without ever having to really deal with them. I've often said that if I were independently wealthy, I would have a large staff made up almost entirely of automotive experts and accountants. I actually wouldn't mind a personal trainer I could screw with. You know......tell him I want to pole dance or something and demand that he make it happen. Then I can laugh at his efforts to train the hopelessly uncoordinated.

What was I saying?

Yes.......tires. I recently had to purchase 4 of them. Keep in mind that normal people rotate their tires on a semi regular basis. My plan usually consists of not dealing with something until it becomes critical. Such had become my tires. Smooth as a baby's bottom they were. I had known for quite some time that they were fading like the fall light, but hoped that they would get me through the winter. That was the kiss of death right there. I should have known that I would bring in to existence the worst winter in recorded history. Sorry fellow residents of the Northeast. Yup....it was all me.

So here I am, attempting to get through the snow with bald tires and a panic attack on board. As other neighbors were busting through a 5 or 6 inch plow wake at the end of the driveway, I was scraping away the ice smear flush with the pavement that my poor, rose petal smooth babies simply could not overcome. It was hugely embarrassing. Fortunately for me, my life is such an endless parade of embarassment......well.......quite frankly, I'm freakin' immune.

The time had come to buy new tires. To all of you that always have an emergency stash of money for such completely foreseeable eventualities....please sit down and shut the fuck up. This is me we're talking about here. My brain is much more geared toward wrapping said tires in duct tape in an attempt to prolong their usefulness....so bite me.

.........anyway.......I called around for prices which was all together depressing. I did learn in the process to always go local. Stay away from "jiffy" this, and "express" that. "Well Ma'am...your combobulated hoo haw fluid has become entangled with your auto immune flux capacitor digi-wad and we can fix it for you for $279.00" thanxkbye. Your local neighborhood garage will remember who you are ( who really can forget me anyway.....the duct tape lady?), they will drop off your car at the vet clinic where you work and when you stop back in to pay, aaaallllll the mechanics will come out of the garage to meet the lady with the tires. Stories will be told around camp fires and bar stools for eons to come.

I wish I could say that this is an exaggeration but unfortunately........this is in fact, my ridiculous life. Watch and learn grasshoppers.