The God's customer service line

As we all know too well by now. There is nothing so stupid that I can do that can ever be done without witnesses. The Gods are determined to hold my feet to the fire and not allow any wiggle room anywhere in that regard. I have a few issues to address with the Gods by the way, but I'll get into that later. For now, I've been keeping the neighbors entertained with my trash habits.

Remember I was telling you about the final bag of remnant leaves I had gathered over the weekend? I set the bag curbside for Monday pick up of yard waste. Yeah........no. There the bag sat in the rain, un picked up for 2 days. When trash day came today, I put the bag in my regular trash can with a big bag of dog poop on top of it. I figured no self respecting trash guy would pick through the poop to pull out the leaf bag right? Wrong.......the bag was waiting for me in my front yard, sans poop, when I got home today. Such is the story of my life. If there is any wool to be pulled over any eyes or any small infraction to be "gotten away with" you can rest assured that I am nowhere in the general vicinity.

OK Gods.......like it's not bad enough that I'm broke and overweight and have all the physical grace and prowess of a three legged beached platypus, must you amuse yourselves at my expense? Setting off the automatic air freshener just as soon as my face passes close by is just un called for! Not having to pee for several hours at work is fine but must my bladder go from comfortably empty to bursting in the time it takes me to get from the car to the front door. do you enjoy watching me clench and lambada while I try in vain to keep a little pee from sneaking out?

Must I receive debt collection calls from freakin' Namibia?! ......"haaaallow.......mey I spik to Namcy Houtomom.......dees ees Narghali calleen far Cheese manhttaman beesa" "Tank yu meese Houtomom.......hab a beery nacen dey" Are there seriously no living people who speak English that would take a job as crappy as a bill collection caller? Hell!!......pay me well enough and I'd do it! "Hi Joe..it's Nancy.....I'm calling about your Visa. You just tell me what you can do honey. How's the wife and kids?........really?? pre-school already??.....nice talkin' to ya Joe" Why can't I get calls like that?

"Thank-you for calling "The God's" customer service line. Your call is very important to us so please listen to all options as our menu has recently changed: If you are lower middle class with an unholy tax burden and can't pay your bills please press 1. We will answer your call in the order it was received: you are currently number one trillion sixty seven gazillion in line. Your approximate wait time is............allowing for the expected oncoming ice age and the shifting of the polar ice caps.........1.6 millenea. If you would like to leave a message, please press 2 and we will return your call as soon as possible. Beeeeeeeep "Yeah....this is Nancy Houston and I want some goddamned answers.....call me back!

"Haaaaaallow........mey I spik to Namcy Houtomom? dees ees Narghali calleen far da gads......