Wedding outing

As we all know, I am the essence if crap-tacularity when it comes to helping my daughter with the endless twists and turns and dramas involved in mounting a wedding these days. If it were not for the fact that she is a compulsive list maker, her wedding day would climax in one giant, blinding spark of static electricity thereby allowing chaos to ensue.

Tonight she called because there is some sort of problem mailing her wedding invitations because they are square. Evidently square envelopes cause the United States Postal Service to have cluster panic attacks that can only be alleviated with an extra 20 cents per piece. If the envelope wont fit properly in the machine due to it's unusual, clearly communist and radical shape........square.........the machine operator will be forced to take a leave of absence where upon he can foam at the mouth and consult his union liaison regarding working conditions.

This is just one of the little hurdles that brides in the 21st century are forced to deal with. There are at least thirty thousand individual decisions that need to be made in order to get to the big day. Poor Justin has reached his decision saturation point and would readily agree to a string quartet of homosexual Romanian dwarfs to play "Having my Baby" during the cake cutting portion of the evening. Yup....he's done. I'm surprised he can still decide what he wants for breakfast at McDonalds.

Hilary soldiers on, picking chair covers and centerpieces and napkin rings, and trying to make everything look cohesive in a venue painted burnt orange. You would think that I could find a way to be some help to her....aside from managing to walk her down the aisle without an ambulance needing to be called. The jury is still out on that one.

This past weekend, I went with her to Joann's fabrics because she needed fabric for.......uuuummmmm.......uuuhhhhhh........ok...so I'm not really sure exactly what she needed it for, but I did help by pointing to various bolts of fabric and saying "that's nice". Just for the record, no....I do not smoke crack. We then went to look at stackable boxes for ........ummmmmmm..eeerrrrr......ok.....so I'm not really sure exactly what they're for, but we did look for paper to cover them, and I did help by pointing to various papers and saying "that's nice". I did answer the crack question, didn't I?

We walked back and forth across the store as Hilary's mind buzzed and hummed like a well oiled wedding machine, looking at papers, and then ribbons, and then more papers, and glue options and silk flowers, all with a finished product goal firmly planted in her head. We left the store an hour later with me having purchased 2 canvases and a bottle of gesso, and Hilary having purchased 4 cardboard boxes and a Twix bar.

....and I only fell down once.

It was a good day.