The reality here is that I'm just beginning to understand that the world I've grown up accepting as true and stable and undeniable is, in fact, no longer in existence. The world of my father is gone forever. I'm sorry to see it go because in that world....a person signed on to a "parent" company who supported you and cared for you. And when you could no longer function at optimum efficiency....you retired with a pension and took up golf or some such thing.
As old fashioned and obsolete as that world sounds today, it is in my DNA..it's what I know. Here I am in middle age, finally grasping the concept that I need to make my own way......and not just as employee of the month. Even as I'm free-falling, I'm waiting....no....expecting, someone or something to reach out and save me. that's the way it's supposed to be, right? It was only when I was way close to the bottom, that my little internal voice said ....."umm......Sparky?......ya may wanna consider grabbing hold of FUCKING ANYTHING!!!!"
Thank-you little voice
I reached out for creativity and as always, it saved my sorry ass yet again. OK.......so my relationship with Art has not always been without conflict. Well.....it's never been without conflict. I've frequently felt flung forcibly to the ground and asked "do I have your attention yet?" but it has never failed to provide the impetus to improve my circumstance and myself.
So here's how my little internal dialogue goes:
"Um...Nancy...I think it would be in your best interest to look at this and really see it.
"Nope.........uncomfortable......run away run away la la la la la"
"Seriously......a little uncomfortable at first because it's unknown, but much better in the long run"
"hmmmmmm......amazing little things, Funyuns. I wonder what the look like before packaging...like some giant Funyun forest full of funyun trees"
"Nance....a little focus here"
"OUCH...goddamit...I can't believe I just stood here and watched the dog drop a freakin' 5 pound femur bone on my freakin' foot!!
"Heeeelllooooooo"
"What do you mean I still owe $5000.00 on Hilary's education!?!.....I fucking paid that!!! What do you mean I paid it forward!?.......What the fuck??
"Nancy....you're really starting to annoy me a little"
"Four new tires cost What!!??...they're TIRES!!!....yanno.....rubber??"
"OK.....have it your way but just FYI......you're about to walk off a cliff. I strongly suggest that you open your eyes and alter your trajectory"
"WHOOSH............AAAAAAARRRRGGGGG......FALLING!!!!!
"Need a hand there Sparky?"
"yes please"
"Eyes opened?"
"yeah.....alright"
This is my relationship with Art. Those of you who are not afflicted with this particular proclivity may not understand how this is possible. You're gonna have to trust me on this one. Art for me has always been the way and has never been easy or even remotely comfortable. Art is eyes open. Seeing is always better than not seeing but never as easy ....and infinitely safer in the long run.
So here I am.....painting daily and making a little extra money. Improving my skills and turn around time. Do I worry and fret over the meaning?.......nope. Do I doubt my ability to pull off a painting?........nuh uh. I know I can pull off the painting. Confidence comes with eyes open.
Didn't see that one coming.........la la la la la
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