Pedicure virgin

OK....so this past weekend was Mother's Day. Hilary, as always, gave generously of her time and attention, and gave me the most thoughtful gift of a portfolio to show pictures of my paintings and a lovely little pouch to keep my business cards in. She knows me. She knows that cut crystal vases and Limoges are lost on my Fiesta ware and Birkenstock sensibilities. She gave me a gift that supports me in my portrait business and demonstrates her pride in my accomplishments. Somewhere in and amongst her mac and cheese and one pair of sneakers upbringing, I did one or two things right.

On the spur of the moment, she suggested that we get a pedicure. Hmmmmm......never had one of those. My first thought was that my feet were sweating inside my crocs. My second thought concerned my legs. Let me just tell you that I am one of those fastidious ladies that shaves her legs twice a year whether they need it or not. This particular little thought was dismissed rather quickly due to the fact that hair growth on my legs is rather pathetic, patchy and sporadic at best. I'm sure it has something to do with friction and ever diminishing follicle stamina.

We enter the salon which was entirely populated by very tiny Asian people. Hilary enters as if she were born to frequent salons catering to feminine fussing. She walks directly to the nail colors and asks me to pick one. Hmmmmm......three hundred sixty gazillion shades of pinkish red and four hundred and eighty nine bajillion shades of reddish pink.......and a bottle of turquoise. I picked a happy shade of red that Hilary quickly shot down as being "whorehouse red" Really!?!.......you're going to have to explain to me why this particular shade of red amidst all the others in the pink/red category is unacceptable!?? I took her word for it and made a blind grab for one a little on the reddish pink side. For whatever fundamentally mysterious reason.......she approved of this shade.

We were led back to four large chairs with foot baths attached and the tiny Asian lady began filling them with water after adding some blue crystals that had to be some sort of potent antiseptic anti stank potion. A very tiny Asian man directed me to sit in the chair. Hilary was in the back in the soundproof eyebrow waxing vault ( I imagine the screaming of profanities and begging for mercy is not terribly good for business) so I was on my own here. I sat in the chair and put my feet in the water wondering and sort of hoping that the two young women in the chairs to my left, feverishly chatting, texting, and rattling their sparkly rings and bracelets could actually smell my sweaty crocs on the floor in between our chairs.

Hilary returned from the vault with bright red eyebrow skin and took her place in the chair next to me. The small Asian man worked rapidly with his tiny tools and clipped and filed and de cuticled and buffed my old-assed toenails. He kept up a steady dialogue in his native tongue with the small Asian girl working on one of the spray tanned cell phone twins. Mental note: if you are going to have a pedi, it's probably best to shave off the 4 to 6 errant hairs that have a permanent residence on your legs. Salon lighting has a tendency to spotlight them like they were attempting to escape from Alcatraz. I'm surprised alarms didn't sound.

Back to my little Asian man. I swear one of my thighs weighs more than him and his entire family. As I'm sitting there, painfully aware of my hairs, I can't help but wonder what he's saying.

"Get a load of these feet! They are wider than they are long!! ha ha ha ha!!!.....with tiny little piggy toes! They remind me of Fred Flintstone's feet! You know........"Flintsones...meet the Flintstones....they're the modern stone age fa-mi-ly....from the....town of Bed-rock.......
Shes got calves the size of actual calves! ha ha ha ha!!....and get a load of those hairs! I bet she only shaves her legs twice a year!!

I put my little pinkish red toes back in my sweaty crocs and we drove home.

If you are wondering about the weirdness that follows me wherever I go.....not to worry......Hilary's foot bath overflowed all over the floor around her pedi chair causing small Asian people to come running from all directions. She is her mother's daughter.

It was a fabulous day!