Dog training for idiots such as myself, part 1

My mother always said "we have bad luck with dogs" We did actually. Frequent moving wreaked havoc on our pets. It seems like very shortly after settling in to a new place, the family dog would end up the hopeless loser in an unfortunate vehicular confrontation. Mom was an absolute genius at hiding doggie damage from Dad. A shrug and a smile would diffuse his anger on the off chance he uncovered one of the secret places. Her smile in combination with her wicked sense of humor never failed to do the trick. Mom was the kind of woman who, upon growing tired of the endless parade of belches emanating from my father and brother on football/beer/peanut Sunday, would quietly sit opposite them with her own beer and belch them in to submission.

Mom was the dog trainer.....and she was good at it. All the basics were achieved. Sit. Down. Stay. She also trained the dogs to potty in one little chicken wired off section of the lawn. No poop hunts for her! No unsightly yellowed and dead patches of grass! "Poor dead dog!" she would say as the cue for Brandy to lay motionless on her side. I think I always took for granted mom's gift with the dogs because many, many years later when I finally had my own dog...........I found the gift not to be inherited.

To benefit those of you who may now, or at some future time, be involved in the training of a dog, here are some tips you might find helpful. Keep in mind that these are all from my own personal experience as a completely idiotic dog trainer.

1) When trying to get your new and inexplicably off-lead dog to come to you because you are now ready to go home because there's a thunderstorm looming and you are running late for an appointment, yelling "HEY FUCK HEAD.....CAN YOU GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!!? most often fails to be all together effective.

2) Finally resorting to chasing him while waving his lead over your head and bellowing COME COME COME YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE!! also.......not typically a plan that will end with your dog back under your control. Aside from the general mechanics of failure on a purely physical level ( he can run at 20 mph with 4 legs. I can plod like a drunken plow mule on valium. I think I'll try to run him down.........ahhhhh....good plan) there is on the behavioral level, the non existent chance that your dog will actually come to a screaming maniac waving a leash. Would you?

3) When offering a tasty treat for a job well done, keep in mind that your dog has no particular emotional or spiritual attachment to your fingers.....besides....they smell like pupperoni. Yum! Be kind to your fingers, you may have a use for them later. Offer treats with an open hand.

4) potty training is always a challenge. I found that baby talking to your dog; "duh ma mas bay bay wan uh go poo poos?" will only serve to annoy your neighbors and call in to question your competence and ability to live an independent lifestyle. Best to find a non offensive potty word and stick to it. Once again......a word......."Nickolai would you please hurry up and dump so I can go inside!", may just be a tad too wordy for your darling with a brain the size of a walnut.

5)Destructive chewing can be a problem. I have found that when attempting to get an inappropriate item away from your dog, it's always best to offer something of higher value in exchange. Keep in mind that this means a higher value in your dogs eyes. Wrestling your fabulously broken in Nike orthopedic bun lifting tennis shoe away by offering your genuine Prada pumps in exchange, is not generally a good idea. This is a dog.......you could offer him a nice and newly deposited cat tootsie out of the litter box and he will smile inside at his good fortune and gladly release the not-nearly-so-tasty tennis shoe.

So by now I'm sure you are asking yourself "what is the secret to dog training Nancy?" Well kids.......I'm gonna let you in on it. Please feel free to share it with your friends and neighbors. The answer is simply this:

Hotdogs

Dogs will do anything for hotdogs. I am convinced that it was their originally intended purpose. Human consumption had to be way down on the list. I discovered the magic of hotdogs while trying to teach my hopelessly hardheaded Husky to sit. If there was a piece of hotdog in it for him, he would plant his ass with such a fast and enthusiastic "BAM" that the floor shook and pictures hung askew.

It was a breakthrough

If you would like to teach your dog hop on two feet and recite the Gettysburg Address.......just pick up some cheap hotdogs and have a blast! Nickolai has been known to rapidly run through his entire repertoire of behaviors, followed by a snappy little soft shoe routine, if there was a hotdog within 100 yards.

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