Climbing Mount Altamont

So Hilary says that I need to re focus on my weight loss.... blog-wise. "That's what people really want to know about" I'm not really sure about that. I mean the reality is that I'm menopausal and hold water really effectively and have sweaty hot flashes and can loose and re-gain the same 6 pounds during the course of my cycle which may arrive anytime between now and Christmas. Does anyone really want to know that? Sometime in the last 3 months, my body has sagged to all new and un-holy depths. The good news is that my toenails are still growing "out". My best friend Vicki says that it's a little known fact that as you age, your toenails stop growing "out" and start growing "up".

What was I saying?

Hilary and I decided to walk the dogs yesterday. I arrived at her house to pick her up for our drive to the park. She suggested that we walk. I agreed, looking down at the main road, calculating in my "not what it used to be" brain, the distance required to make it to the park on foot. Hilary decided to pick a route most likely to kill me quickly and silently. She suggested Altamont. A name that will live in infamy. My mother used to sled fearlessly down that hill as a child, building speeds hardly thought possible with wood and rail. Knowing that Hilary was determined to push me to my limits, I began the preliminary ascent.

Reaching the ass end of Altamont from Hilary's house required a steep incline roughly equivalent to Everest's final step where the danger lies in scraping your forehead on the pavement as you make the vertical climb. I had brief moments in between attempting to breathe where I was able to contemplate the irony of struggling to reach the cemetery which happens to reside at the apex of Altamont. I made it to the top and had a quick little dance of joy in front of the gravestone of Rosa Belle Lidie. I made it!!!!I cheated slightly by letting Nickolai pull on the lead but I was taking any help I could get.

Hilary and I stood at the top looking down at the shady road bursting with spring blossoms and cool breezes and began our descent to the alley which led to the park. Now I could enjoy the rest of the walk.......my battle had been fought and won. "I'm really proud of you Mama" Hilary said as my lungs returned to normal capacity, "climbing back up will be the hard part" I turned to her and said that Hell would simply have to freeze over before I'd climb this fucker again.

We reached the park where upon we took two laps around with Hilary refusing any and all short cuts along the way. Nickolai dragged Hilary along as he chased after what can only be described as squirrel-a-palooza. Hilary dislocated a shoulder and Nickolai vomited and we headed home.........back up freakin' Altamont. I climbed and I huffed and I puffed and trudged up the beautiful lane from Hell until I again reached the grave site of Rosa Belle Lidie. I paused to catch my breath. No dance of joy this time. Too tired.

I looked down the steep ass end of Altamont that leads back to Hilary's house and wondered how I'd get down without busting my hopelessly clumsy ass. Scraping the back of my head on descent seemed not as worrisome a thought as tumbling head first down that hill as Nickolai joyfully bounded in front of my broken body dragging limply at the other end of the leash. I took it slow and prayed for traction. We made it home intact, and I did something I never would have without Hilary's encouragement. It felt really good, I have to admit.

So even though I can never remember where the car is parked or what entrance we came in at JC Penney's, and I have a tendency to yell in to cell phones, "Mom!!......just because you can't see them doesn't mean they can't hear you!!!!!", and if an extracted tooth is missing at the vet clinic it's most likely stuck to the underside of my forearm where it will ride undiscovered until finally disembarking in the patients record where I paused to record a dosage..........I'm still capable of reaching new heights......namely Altamont, without busting my ass.